Marriage Counseling-Couples’ Work
No one gets married to get divorced. Couples who are struggling can find that negative interactions between them take a toll on their relationship. These reactions to problems which don’t resolve over time, are corrosive to their sense of connection and closeness.
At the beginning of every relationship, people operate from positives. People feel euphoric, hopeful, loving, in-love, and that every issue is either non-existent or will be easily overcome. Over time, this positive outlook can be replaced by a different reality: arguments; withdrawal; communication failures; problems with finances, parenting, intimacy; and instead of communication leading to new agreements and resolution, poor communication can degrade to fights, criticisms, name calling, accusations, anger, hostility, hurt, and a breakdown in trust. No one feels good after these arguments. Everyone in the family is impacted. And, unfortunately, the reality is that with some couples, sometimes these arguments can become increasingly damaging, even to the point of becoming physical.
All of this results in a variety of feelings including alienation, confusion, depression, hurt, anger, and guilt.
Then the question becomes, “What do we do about this?” “What CAN we do about this?” “We have done everything WE know how to do!”
Couples CAN overcome these negatives if BOTH are willing to work towards healing and restoring the marriage. Coming into counseling means bringing in a relationship specialist to help the couple with THEIR specific challenges.
Having a trained third-party give immediate feedback, and helping to foster POSITIVE communication and resolution, can help couples turn things around. Sometimes, counselors facilitate understanding, helping couples reframe what is dynamic in the room. The successes which occur in the counselor’s office become the groundwork for successes in communication at home. New patterns of conflict resolution; new ways of handling stressful communication; all lead to increased confidence in the choice couples made when they decided to create a family together (be it with or without children).
We work with our clients to ferret out individual values, and the related priorities, in a way that helps clients worth TOGETHER to find solutions specific to THEIR relationship. No two relationships are the same. Every couple presents a unique situation; one that brings their histories, personalities, generational values, cultural identities, temperaments, and expectations into play.
For instance, some couples thrive when traditional norms are flexed to accommodate their personalities and needs. For instance, when the Mom goes back into the workforce, and Dad is the one who stays home and handles the domestic challenges and childcare. Successful coupling allows for each family to decide what will work for them, and to evaluate and adjust over time to necessary changes that accommodate to the changing needs of each person over time. For instance, a couple might need to adjust and work together for one to make a career change or deal with an unexpected major life-change or transition.
Sometimes, the counselor is able to identify colliding values: couples competing for what feels right and normal and important to each of THEM. Sometimes, counselors identify emotional triggers for one of the parties. In some cases, triggers are reciprocal, such as when both people have been raised in abusive families, or when both parties have PTSD. Because of the complexity, frequently couples cannot untangle these dynamics on their own; which is why objective eyes and ears can be helpful. When we are too close to an issue, it is difficult for anyone to see the proverbial forest for the trees.
Couples coming into therapy are courageous! They are willing to lay it all out in order to get help figuring out if their relationship can be salvaged, and what steps they can take, what skills they can learn and apply to change communication outcomes!
Respect is critical in relationships. Respect lets each person speak. Respect honors individual differences. Respect is kind. Respect gives clear reference points and allows the sharing of the same from the others. Respect gives room for each person to be the best they can be and honors each person’s strengths and weaknesses! For instance, one person may love handling the family’s finances, and the other may find numbers overwhelming!
As respect and respect for individual differences, validation, affection, connection, positive communication, successful negotiation, friendship, sharing, and safety increase; couples thrive. Those warm, joyful feelings of being in a successful relationship return. Life’s challenges are taken of from a mindset of being part of a team, and that lends shelter to the reality that storms are an inevitable part of living.
Our office utilizes the research of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, preeminent relationship researchers who have changed the face of how we do marriage counseling and couple’s work. A great primer to starting counseling is for couples to read “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” available on Amazon and elsewhere. Their books and research reflect how the “masters of marriage” handle challenges and communication. Their work is science based, research oriented, and can really help restore the foundation of a healthy marriage.